Bring us bagels, bring us life

Eli Cantrell, Contributing Writer

Bagels: the window to the soul. Existing since the 1600s, they’ve proved to be a long lasting and much loved source of sustenance. So why is Lowry Dining Center lacking so hard in the bagel game? 

It took time for the lovely bread circles to make their way into the new dining center’s regular options, but once present, they’ve proven insufficient to satisfy the cravings of Wooster’s ravenous students. Oftentimes, a hungry soul will find themselves faced with disappointment as they stare down an empty bagel case. Even worse? A delicious bagel, ruined only by a thin layer of mold. 

Lowry claims the title of “heartbreaker” as it leads students on with false promises of circular goodness. Let’s say you DO get your hands on a bagel though — your next challenge is a spread. Oftentimes students are left with a bagel, naked and exposed, with no tasty topping to fill out their meal. Peanut butter and other spread packets are increasingly limited as demand grows. 

With long lines and lukewarm meals, having a quick and accessible meal option is essential to the integrity of Lowry Dining Center. You can slice the bagel, butter it, make a sandwich, eat it plain, toss it in the toaster. A jack of all trades, yet so often understocked. 

I believe, from the deepest corners of my soul, that Lowry needs a proper bagel station in order to sustain the student body. I’m talking asiago cheese, cinnamon raisin, salt, pumpernickel, sesame seed — the whole nine yards. I want gallon tubs of peanut butter, butter, cream cheese and any schmear a hungry heart could desire. Imagine trudging in from a long wait in a rain-riddled line to the smell of fresh, warm bagels. Imagine slicing through the soft skin and into the delicious flesh to reveal a fresh canvas, waiting for your artistic eye to paint on your spread of choice. Perhaps you chose to toast it first, warming yourself from the inside out to counteract the hypothermia that’s starting to set in as you’re still dripping dry. Perhaps you keep it cool, focusing instead on the natural texture and taste of the beautiful little innertube. 

You deserve happiness. We all do. For $71,000 a year, we’ve earned a good selection of bagels. You could buy a three-motor Tesla Cybertruck with that money, or a small house in a big city, or a big house in a small town. Better yet, you could buy 35,500 bagels, and treat yourself to 97 bagels a day. 

Wooster students deserve a proper selection of bagels, and my soul will never rest until such a selection is achieved. Bring us bagels. Bring us life. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: